


there's no need to go and blow the candle out

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Gen, Mentions of a Suicide Attempt, trauma in the aftermath of fight or flight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:04:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27080122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: In a moment of drunken desperation in the aftermath of everything that happened with Doug, Maddie tries to kill herself and Chimney and Buck have to deal with the consequences.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Howie "Chimney" Han & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

Chimney isn’t sure he’s ever seen the look on Buck’s face that is entirely aimed towards him. It’s a mixture of devastation and anger, as though he doesn’t know whether he wants to punch him or burst into tears. Judging by the red rimmed eyes and the flushed cheeks, he suspects it wouldn’t be the first time the other man has cried today.

He can feel his own tears bubbling, that tell-tale tension in his chest and the lump in his throat that he can feel forming. Buck’s fists are clenched at his sides and Chimney can see Hen moving a little closer to the possible scene of the crime from the corner of his eye. “If it were the other around, she’d be the first at your bedside.” Chimney visibly flinches at that, mostly because he knows that the other man is right but also because he wishes he could be stronger.

He can hear the unshed tears in Buck’s voice, the slight tremor as he talks before he takes a step forward and Chimney has to force himself to stay exactly where he is. He already looks weak enough, he can’t solidify that idea in Buck’s mind any more than he already has. Chimney takes a breath, although it comes out more desperately than he could have hoped for, tears stinging at his eyes as he clenches his own fists. “You should be with your sister right now, not here.” Exasperated, he flings his arms up, gesturing to the station where he had been trying to focus on work and not on the fact Maddie was lying in a hospital bed.

He was doing everything he could to think of anything and everything he possibly could so not to think about the fact Maddie had given up on herself, on life, on him, on _them._

“I’ve been with her since I found her bleeding on the floor of her apartment, I’ve been there and you’ve been carrying on as though nothing is wrong! I thought you—I thought you and her were going somewhere—”

Chimney is all too quick to cut him off, given away by the way his voice cracks, shaking his head, “Yeah, I thought we were too but here we are.” There’s a resentful bite to his tone, digging his nails into the palms of his hands. The image he’d had of Maddie lying on the bathroom floor is more prominent that it had been just seconds before and he can’t even imagine how Buck is feeling considering he’s the one who had to _see_ it. The image he’s forged in his own mind is literally just his imagination.

“She _needs_ you.”

“Not right now she doesn’t.” Chimney doesn’t trust himself, he knows if he goes and he looks at her, he’s not going to be what she needs. She needs someone who can be strong and who can tell her everything is going to be okay but he’s not entirely certain if things will ever be okay again. Not if she had gotten to that point whilst he had sat in his apartment, drinking beer as he tried to keep his mind focused on whatever movie he had on at the time, trying not to get too caught up in his own thoughts. It had only been two weeks since she had walked out of his apartment under the guise they were taking a minute.

He hates himself, even more so than he had before. The guilt of befriending her husband, talking about her to him had been a heavy weight on his shoulders. Now the fact she had been sitting across from him talking about how all she wanted to do was sleep and then a few weeks later—he feels as though he’s about to collapse from the weight of it all. His chest feels tighter by the second, his heart beating so fast he feels as though he can’t breathe. “You’re a fucking coward.”

The shove to his shoulder is well deserved causing him to stumble back, watching as Buck shakes his head at him. It’s the look of complete disappointment in the younger man’s eyes that hurts a lot more than any shove he could have given him. He barely even sees Hen wrapping an arm around his waist and practically yanking him towards the bunks, “It’s going to be okay, Chim.”

He wishes he could believe her. 

. 

Chimney doesn’t deserve an apology, but there he is anyway. The day after he had stormed out of the station after shoving Chimney, a grimace on his face as he walks back through the door. This is the last place he wants to be but he wasn’t sure he could stand another second of looking at Maddie’s devastated face or her bandaged wrists, or how pale she looks, as though the white hospital sheets are extenuating just how close he could have come to losing her forever.

Three years was enough.

It’s been two nights since he had found her. Two nights since he had come home earlier than he was meant to because he had been too exhausted after a long shift to go out as he was supposed to. His entire body still trembles at the memory of calling out her name, at his fear when he knocked on her bedroom door and heard nothing, at the sight of walking into the bathroom and finding her in a position he’d never thought he would. Not after everything she had been through.

He had begged her to tell him why, pretty much from the second she had opened her eyes in the hospital room. He had wanted to understand why she thought for even a second that he would ever be okay again after finding her in that way. Buck could remember running through the snow towards her, catching her before she collapsed as she cried that she hadn’t given up. Only, looking at her in the hospital bed now, it just feels as though that was exactly what she had done and he hates himself for it but he’s not sure if he can ever forgive her for thinking that this was the way.

Maybe he’d taken it out on Chimney a little too much. He wasn’t stupid, he had seen the look on the other man’s face, he had seen the unshed tears in his eyes and the all too aggressive chewing on the gum in his mouth as he so often did when he was stressed. Chimney had probably seen a future with Maddie and Buck wouldn’t blame the other man if he was angry, too, at least then he wouldn’t be alone in the rage he can feel building up inside of him every single time he looks at her and asks for a reason, only to be met with a shrug or just unmoving silence.

“Buck, if you’re here to start a fight, I really don’t think—” Hen is the first to spot him, and he almost rolls his eyes at her guard dog routine when she steps in front of her best friend as though Chimney can’t handle anything himself. Although, from what he can see of the other man as he sits behind her, perhaps she isn’t too far off the mark.

“I’m not here to fight, I’m here to say sorry.”

There’s a suspicious look on Hen’s face as she looks at him, as though she’s trying to evaluate whether or not he’s telling the truth before she takes a deep breath and steps to the side. “I swear to you, if you touch him again, I will make you regret it. You’re not the only one who’s hurting right now, Buck and taking it out on Chimney isn’t helping anyone.”

All he can do is nod his head, shifting awkwardly from one foot the other as he stands in front of the temporary Captain, reminding himself that the only reason he’s here to apologise is because he cannot afford to get written up for any sort of physical violence (no matter how minor in his eyes). “Look, I shouldn’t have shoved you and I’m sorry about that but I meant what I said. My sister needs you right now and so far, it’s only me, Josh and Athena who have turned up for her. And I’m sure she’s grateful for that but I can see the disappointment in her eyes every single time that door opens and it’s not you. She’s hurting and you just turning up could help that even a little bit but you can’t even put aside whatever the hell you’re going through to just… help her.” Perhaps not the apology he had practiced on the way over (he’d thought maybe a quick ‘sorry’ and then running out of there was a good plan but there he was).

There’s that anger rising inside of him again and Hen must sense it too because she easily slides herself between the two men without any warning. The other man hasn’t said a single word, he won’t even _look_ at him and Buck doesn’t understand why. If this was a woman, or anyone, he cared about enough to have wanted to go on a date with, to have seen a future with—he’d be the first to run to the hospital no matter what. “He hasn’t said a word about anything non work related since yesterday.” Hen offers up an explanation but it still doesn’t feel good enough, he’s not sure anything ever will.

“You’re pathetic.”

“Buck!” He’s not sure he’s ever seen the look on Hen’s face that is being aimed at him right then, as though she’s about to slap him if he continues. But part of him feels as though he deserves it too; he lives with Maddie, he should have known how badly she was suffering, he should have seen through façade and he should have definitely not left her alone the day she had been sent home from work when her boss thought it would be for the best.

“Maybe it’s a good thing you can’t even bring yourself to go see Maddie because you’re weak, Chimney.” His voice breaks a little and he feels the betrayal of his own body burning through him, even more so when the fire that had been in Hen’s eyes is replaced with one of pity when he realises that the tears he had thought he had been holding back have fallen. “I let her down, okay? If I had just stayed at home when I knew she needed me, but I let her down and I thought maybe, if I could make you go see her, then maybe I wouldn’t have let her down so badly.”

It’s Hen that speaks, grabbing his arm as she pulls him away from Chimney and back towards the station doors, “Now isn’t the greatest time, he’s in shock and he’s hurting and he blames himself just as much as you do. Just give me some time, okay? He’s not doing this because he wants to hurt Maddie or you, he just—he knows he’s going to burst into tears the second he lies eyes on her and he doesn’t want to feel as though he’s let her down even more than he already does. Just give him a little bit of time.”

“But Maddie—”

“Maddie will understand, maybe not right away but she will. Just go, before you say or do something you regret even more or you make me do something I’ll regret. Go be with your sister.”

It’s with a huff of air that Buck finds himself glancing over at the still silent, unmoving man before he nods his head at Hen, “Fine. Whatever. Maybe Maddie will understand eventually but if he doesn’t turn up for this when she needs him the most, she won’t ever forget that.” He doesn’t wait for an answer, quickly turning around to walk out of there as fast as he possibly can as he angrily wipes at the tears that wet his cheeks.

Buck can’t help but feel as though he’s let his sister down _again._


	2. Chapter 2

Chimney is too fixated on the thoughts whirring inside his head to even think for a second of the panic he’s causing to his best friend throughout the day. He’s Captain and that’s the only reason he’s turned up, otherwise, he’s sure he would have spent the entire day alone in his apartment, just to give himself some time to breathe and to think clearly.

He has strong feelings for Maddie, he’d even go so far as to say he’s fallen in love with her even if he knows that’s too soon, too quick, probably too much. His mom had always told him he had a greater capacity for love than most, perhaps that was why he was still single at forty-two. Chimney couldn’t help but feel like an idiot for thinking that Maddie would be it for him because he had never felt the way he felt about her with anyone else. He’d never been able to be himself before, he’d never made another woman smile or laugh like he could Maddie. That was probably why it hurt so much, to know that she didn’t see a future… neither with him or for herself. Chimney is almost certain he could live in a world where Maddie didn’t want to date him; it would hurt but he would eventually be okay. But a world where Maddie was nothing more than a memory? It feels like the knife is plunging into him all over again.

He doesn’t know how he’s made it through the day, he barely remembers anything beyond giving the odd instruction here and there to Eddie and Hen and Buck’s temporary replacement whilst he’s out tending to Maddie and his own trauma. Chimney had recommended therapy before he returns to work and he almost laughs at the hypocrisy of it all because he couldn’t even take his own advice.

Chimney spends the entire day thinking about Maddie, about what would have happened if Buck had gotten him later than he had, what would have happened if he had made more of an effort to tell her that taking a minute from their relationship didn’t mean they had to take one from their friendship, too. He thinks about how much he hates himself for not seeing it coming, going over the conversation over and over again when she had sat across from him and told him that she was tired. Had she known what she intended to do then? Should he have known too?

Maddie.

He knows he can’t go home without seeing her, he can’t spend another night wondering if she’s okay or trying to shake the image he has of her if her brother hadn’t been so quick-thinking after he had found her. Hen’s hand is wrapped tightly around his arm and he can feel his legs stumbling behind her, being yanked towards her car and she’s saying something but he can barely hear her. His heart is racing, his head spinning and if he doesn’t say or do something about it soon, he’s entirely certain he’s about to fall into his third panic attack of the last two days and the exhaustion is already too much for his body to handle. “M-Maddie.”

It’s not what he wanted to say, not exactly, but it’s enough for Hen to stop walking and for her to turn towards him. It’s almost as though he’s forgotten how to form a sentence for just a minute before he shakes his head, the tears he’d managed to hold back for the entire day finally falling. He’s functioning on less than two hours sleep after he’d insisted to Hen he would be fine on his own after everything that had happened yesterday (she hadn’t been happy about it but he hadn’t given her much of a choice).

“Maddie could have died.” The words are whispered, as he pulls his arm from Hen’s grip to angrily wipe at the tears that continue to fall despite the attempt. “I know, Chim, I know.” Hen had always been the one person in the world he could trust to be honest with him, especially when he needed it most. She didn’t sugar coat anything, even if some could argue that sometimes, it was needed. He appreciated her more than he could ever put into words for that. “But she didn’t and I know that doesn’t really mean a lot considering how it could have happened but she’s still here.”

“I need to go see her.”

A small part of him had thought that Hen would feel relief at the fact he was not only talking but expressing a desire to see Maddie, but instead, there’s a fearful look in the woman’s face as she chews down on her bottom lip, “Do you think that’s a good idea right now?”

“Not really, no but I need to. Even if it’s just for a minute, I just need to… I need to see her. I need—please?” His voice cracks, the desperation more than obvious in his eyes when he looks from Hen, towards her car. Finally, she nods her head, although it doesn’t settle his rapid beating heart or his tight chest when he clambers into the car.

“This can’t be real, can it, Hen?” He hates how weak his voice is the second she climbs into the drivers seat, his hands shaking as he clicks his seatbelt into place and looks at her with tear-filled, terrified eyes.

“I really wish it wasn’t, Chim, I really do.”  
.   
Chimney can tell his best friend really disagrees with him being there by the way she refuses to let go of his arm until they’re stepping into Maddie’s hospital room. He doesn’t blame her, not really, he’d been more than a little fragile before this had happened but this had damn near broke him. He’s entirely certain it still could, especially when he lays eyes on her for the first time in weeks. Actually seeing her for the first time since Buck had phoned him sobbing a few days before instead of allowing his imagination to do all the work.

When had Maddie had done what she had, she may as well have ripped his heart out and stomped on it. And he knows that it’s inherently selfish because what she had done to herself had nothing to do with him or how he would feel about it. This went deeper than that but it still hurts to know she would think for even a second that the world be a better place without her.

It’s as he had been when he had dropped the phone after Buck had called, his chest is tight and he feels as though he can’t breathe when he looks at her. Chimney can’t bring himself to glance at her brother, having barely acknowledged each other when he had walked into the room and Hen had made the tense greetings in absence of any words between the two men.

“Howie?” Her voice is hoarse, as though she had been crying recently and it breaks his heart when he looks at the bloodshot eyes and how pale her face is. He doesn’t want to, but his eyes wander to her bandaged wrists and he feels as though he’s going to throw up, gulping down the lump of vomit in his throat as he shakes his head. It makes it that much more real and he wishes more than anything that he could turn back the last few days and go to her apartment to make sure she would never hurt herself.

When he steps towards her, he can see the way Buck sits up and tenses from the corner of his eye but he can also see the way Hen steps forward as though she’s gunning for a fight for then. “He’s here, that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” Her tone is bitter and defensive, enough to at least get Buck to sink back down into his seat before Maddie looks at him.

“Can you go get me that hot chocolate you were talking about? I’ll be okay.” Chimney can tell that Buck really doesn’t want to and he wishes he could know when Buck stopped trusting him around the woman because he would never do anything to hurt her, not on purpose. Him not coming to the hospital straight away had been for the best, the last thing she needed was him sobbing at her bedside, asking her the thousand questions that had been on his mind. Although the biggest unanswered question was why. Why an earth would she do this to herself? Why would she think that the world didn’t need Maddie Buckley anymore?

He bites down on his lip to stop himself from asking, watching with caution as Buck stands up and (not so gently) brushes past him with a grumble of something no one in the room can quite make out. Chimney can feel those tears rising to the surface again, although he does his best to push them back, he and Buck had always had a brother-like relationship and he hopes they can come back from this. He hopes that the other man can eventually see past his own trauma and realise that Chimney had only ever had selfless intentions when he couldn’t visit Maddie.

It’s not until Buck is gone and Hen awkwardly hovers by the closed door that he takes the final few steps to move next to Maddie’s bed. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner.”

“You’re angry at me, it’s okay.” Maddie is all too quick to justify his actions (incorrectly) out loud and he finds himself relieved when she doesn’t flinch from his touch when he reaches to brush some of her hair from her face. “I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise to me.” The words come out stronger than he expects them to, forcing himself to give her a smile when she looks at him with those big, brown eyes that he loves so much. He stops himself from asking the one question he really needs to the answer to, his fingers brushing up against her cheek softly, as the two of them just stare at each other for a moment.

She must catch the way his eyes move down the bandages because she quickly tucks her arms beneath the blanket as the tears start to fall onto the pillow beneath her head. “I um, they’re letting me go home tomorrow—the psych eval showed that I’m not a danger to myself or others so they can’t hold me any longer.” That causes an uncomfortable feeling deep within him and he finds himself glancing behind him at Hen who shares his look. Maddie was a nurse and she was intelligent, she’d know how to fool them, how to answer the questions in all the right ways to get out of there even if she shouldn’t. He doesn’t voice it out loud though, turning back from his best friend to look at the woman lying there, looking smaller than he could have ever imagined. “You don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Chimney doesn’t want to upset her or overstep because what even are they right now? Just two adults who had liked each other once, enough to hang out pretty much every single day. Two adults who had planned to go on a date, only for it to be ruined by her husband. Two adults who had decided to take a minute and then she had tried to kill herself. He flinches at his own thoughts but Maddie pulls her arm from beneath the blanket to grab his before he can fully pull back. “If the doctors think you’re okay to go home…”

“I was drunk, I wasn’t thinking straight and um, I-I didn’t… I just… it all came at once, you know? The nightmares seem like they won’t ever stop and I’ve gone from sleeping too much to never being able to sleep because I keep waking up screaming and Buck keeps crying. And then Sue sent me home and told me to take a few days because we had a—” She looks at him, a small pout on her lips and the tears pouring, enough for him to close the gap between him and the bed once more to press a hand to her cheek. “we had a stabbing call and I had a panic attack, I-I couldn’t even finish the call, Josh had to take over and… I got drunk and it all got too much.”

It makes sense but at the same it doesn’t. It answers his question but again, it doesn’t because there is no reason good enough for her to do what she did. “You don’t owe me an explanation, it’s okay.”

“I do, I know we’re not together but we’re meant to be taking a minute and you probably hate me right now because you think I changed my mind but I-I just… I’ll never deserve someone like you.”

It’s with a quick shake of his head that he stares at her before she tugs on his hand in the way she always used to when he’d carry her up to her bedroom after she’d fallen asleep on the couch again. He remembers being astounded at the level of trust she had put in him, even though they were just friends, enough so she would sleep in his arms. It’s wordless but he knows that’s exactly what she needs right now, carefully climbing into the bed as she turns her back to him and he lays on his side, pulling her as close to him as he possibly can. She smells like hospitals, not at all like the usual coconut and vanilla he had inhaled so much when they were in this position a handful of times before everything changed. But he still finds comfort in the way she fits so perfectly in his arms.

“I’ve got you,” He whispers in her ear, pressing a kiss to the back of her head as he moves his hand towards her stomach, rubbing small circles over the hospital gown as he tries not to think about how close they had come to all of it ending.

It takes barely any time at all for her to fall asleep in his arms, and it’s half an hour later that he finds himself regretfully pulling his arm from beneath her to climb out of the bed. Chimney wishes he could stay with her for the night but he knows visiting hours are coming to a close and the glare on Buck’s face is making him uncomfortable since he’d returned with a hot chocolate that has now gone cold. He doesn’t say a word, he’s not sure he can because each passing second, he can feel the unshed tears getting closer and closer to falling. He needs to get out of there, knowing he can’t appear any weaker in front of Buck than he already has. Mentally, he’s not sure he can handle being called a coward once more. He’s said it to himself enough times but no one, other than his father, has ever said that out loud to him.

It takes too long to get to Hen’s car, every step feeling heavier than the last until his heart feels ready to explode. Hen’s arms are around him before he even knows he’s sobbing, each breath comes out as a wheeze as his entire body shakes. He’s just glad that his best friends grip on him is tight enough to keep him standing, as his fingers curl around the back of her shirt and he hides his face in her shoulder. “Let it all out, I’ve got you.”

And he does, completely letting go of everything he had held in for the last few days as she rubs his back and promises him that he and Maddie are going to be okay. He still doesn’t know if he believes her, even if he wishes he does.


	3. Chapter 3

“I said no, Hen.” Chimney looks at the woman in the hopes his voice doesn’t waiver as it had done the first few dozen times. “I don’t want anything to eat, I don’t want to go to bed, I don’t _want_ to do anything right now.” He knows he’s being unreasonable and rude but she’d dragged him into her home when he’d wanted nothing more than to be home alone, to mull his own thoughts over without the hovering presence of Hen.

He knows she means well and that she’s only doing for him what he would do for her if it were the other way around. “You need to look after yourself, Chimney. I know you want to be there for Maddie when she’s out of the hospital but what good will you be if you’ve made yourself sick?”

Those words are enough to elicit a scoff from him and he wishes he could throw something but he has to remind himself that he’s at Hen and Karen’s house and Denny is sleeping and Karen is pretending as though she isn’t listening in on this. He wants to scream and cry and smash the mug that Hen slides towards him as though a mug of hot chocolate is going to make anything better right then.

“Maddie tried to kill herself a few days ago and they’re already letting her out because they don’t think she’s a threat to herself? She knows all the right things to say, Hen, she’d know exactly how to get out of there and she did it. She’s just going to go home and try again, so what’s the point of looking after myself? She’s not going to.”

Hen only takes a deep breath, reaching out for his hand, “You don’t know that, Chimney, she might have been telling the truth. You don’t know what she does or doesn’t have planned. All you can do is be there for her if you want, or don’t if you don’t want to be. But if you’re not healthy and you’re not thinking straight, what right do you have to expect her to do exactly that?” There’s that no bullshit tone in her voice again and it forces him to look at her with unshed tears in his eyes before he bites down on his lip and shakes his head. He knows that she’s right, he knows that if he’s going to be there for Maddie he needs to be better and to do better.

“I thought seeing her would help but it just made it all so real. The bandages… know what’s underneath them… holding her until she fell asleep, how exhausted she was. Before it was just my imagination and I just assumed the reality would be worse but it wasn’t.” God, he hates himself for crying, he hates the way his hands shake and he’s forced to wrap both his hands around the mug Hen had given him in an attempt to hide it. “I-I don’t think I’m strong enough to be there for her in the way she needs if she was telling the truth.”

He’s surprised to see a smile on Hen’s face when he looks up at her, his nose scrunching up in confusion before she talks, “There’s a lot of things you never thought you were strong enough to do but you are the strongest person I have ever met. You have been through hell and back more than once, Chim and look at you. You are brilliant and kind and I know that even if you don’t see it, you’ll still be there for her because that’s clearly what she wants.” All he can do is give a small nod of his head and a tight smile, only letting go of his grip on the mug to wipe his eyes before he slides off the bar stool.

“I think I just want to go lie down, on my own, please?” There’s hesitation in her eyes but slowly, she nods her head.

“I’ll come and check on you in an hour, okay? And every hour after that because I know you’re hurting right now and I know there’s nothing I can say or do to change that but I’m here. If you need me, if you feel like you want to cry or rant or just be held at any point tonight, just say the word.”

“I know, I just really need to be alone. I just—I need some perspective, time to think… I’m okay, I promise.” As okay as he possibly can be, safe in the knowledge that Maddie was in hospital for one more night and she would be safe. At least for tonight. He can already feeling the crushing weight of responsibility on his chest as he makes his way to the guest bedroom, knowing Hen isn’t hovering too far behind him with a worried look on her face. He hates what he’s doing to her but he still shuts the door in the hopes she will let it stay closed, at least for the next hour.

Chimney takes a breath as he rubs his eyes, his back leaning against the door before he lets out a broken sob. One hand moving to cover his mouth as he slowly sinks down onto the floor. The woman he loves had tried to kill herself and he doesn’t trust her enough to not do it again as much as he wishes he could.

. 

Chimney isn’t surprised when the food Hen finally forces him to eat comes straight back up. He’d always had a nervous stomach, it had betrayed him more than once but right then, all he could feel was relief because he had told her he wouldn’t be able to hold anything down and maybe this would be enough to make her stop pestering him.

He doubts it, but he can still hope.

They’re both just sitting on the bathroom floor when her phone rings and his eyes gaze over to the screen to see Buck’s name. There’s a part of him that wants to grab the phone from the floor and answer it himself when it’s the seventh ring and all she’s done is shrug her shoulders. The only thing that stops him is knowing that he is probably the last person Buck would want to speak to.

“You probably should have—” He’s cut off when the phone rings again, barely seconds after it had stopped and now he has an unsettled feeling deep within him because why would Buck be so desperately trying to get hold of Hen if not to tell them something bad? He’d thought Maddie would be safe in the hospital, he thought he had more time to get himself together and convince her that life is worth living. He’d thought he had the night to think about what he could say or do to make sure Maddie realised the world was a good place with her in.

He can see the anger on Hen’s face when she looks back down at her phone and it doesn’t look as though she’s about to answer it before the tears start to fall down his pale cheeks, “Hen—” She must note the fear in his voice and the way his entire body shakes because she takes a deep breath and finally presses the green button he’s desperate for her to touch.

“What?” Hen’s tone is harsh, but he can see her face softening when she holds the phone to her ear and listens to whatever Buck has to say for himself on the other end. He can feel his heart thumping and his stomach churning just at the thought of whatever is being said but finally, Hen is looking at him before she sets the phone back on the floor, putting it on speaker. “Maddie is asking for you.”

Maddie is _asking_ for him which means she’s still alive, at least. There’s one thing that quells the terror he had felt rising within him as he wipes at the tears that track down his face with the back of his hand. “Chim?” There’s that voice on the other end he misses every single day, biting down on his bottom lip as he just allows the relief to wash over him for a second until he nods.

“Hey, I’m here.” There’s a sniffle on the other end and he hates that she’s crying and he’s not there to hold her. He’d always felt weirdly at home when his arms were wrapped around her in those moments when she’d started to trust him enough to allow him to comfort her. He remembers how privileged, how… amazed he’d felt that this woman, who had been through hell, would trust _him_. “Are you okay, Maddie?”

His voice is hoarse and even he can tell his voice is thick with tears, watching as Hen rolls her eyes at him because he’s most definitely not okay and yet, all he cares about is making sure Maddie is.

“Had a nightmare,” Comes the voice on the other end and he’s not sure he even wants to know what it’s about because his imagination is already working that much out for him. “just wanted to hear your voice, sorry if that’s not okay.”

“No, no, it’s more than okay. You can ring me whenever,” He wishes she had but he tries to gulp down that dose of bitterness as he meets Hen’s eyes and she nods, as though she knows exactly what he’s thinking. “give me just a minute okay? I’ll get into bed, too.” Even his best friend seems satisfied at that answer, helping him up as he takes her phone from the floor and they walk back towards the guest bedroom.

It’s with determination that he climbs into the bed for the first time that night, despite Hen’s constant nagging, his hand clutching tightly around the phone before he sets it on the pillow next to his head when he lies down. “Okay, all settled…” Hen sinks down on the chair in the corner of the room, and he can tell she’s about as exhausted as he feels but he can’t sleep. Not yet. “just think, if you’ll have me, I’ll be right there with you tomorrow… holding you.” The words ‘kissing you’ dies on his lips because who knows if either of them are ready for anything like that considering why she’s in hospital in the first place. But he does want to kiss her, something beyond tear stained cheeks and salty tasting lips up against his. Chimney takes a breath when she doesn’t say anything, wondering if he should take the rejection and not let it sting so much.

Until she talks, “That sounds nice, miss falling asleep in your arms… feels safe.” And fresh tears pour down his face because it’s nice to know that despite the time that has passed and despite everything she has been through, she still trusts him that much.

“Tomorrow is Friday,” He smiles, “and you know that can only mean one thing.” Even if Buck hates him, he can ignore him the entire night if he has to. He’s not leaving Maddie’s side until he knows she’s going to be safe and she’s going to fight as hard to live as she had that day in Big Bear. Only it’s harder because this time the fight is against herself.

“Can I come to yours?” The question takes him by surprise because he’d just assumed they would go back to her place and that she’d want to be home, surrounded by her own things. “You don’t have to say yes, I just—I can’t go home. I don’t want to go back there. Too much… too many bad memories, too much—I-I can’t go back there.”

Chimney is all too quick to nod his head before he remembers she can’t see him, “Of course, I’ll sort it out with Buck.” He doesn’t want to talk to the other man, he’s not sure he’s ready after everything that had been said but if he has to for Maddie, then he will. If he has to have her brother in his apartment, then he will. “We can get Chinese from your favourite place, I haven’t watched any Brooklyn 99 without you—we can cuddle on the couch, just like old times.” _Just like old times_ but it wasn’t. Maddie had tried to kill herself and that thought tears through him like the knife Doug had plunged into his stomach all those weeks before. His grip tightens on the bed and he grits his teeth together in an attempt to stop the sob from falling.

“I’d like that, miss you.”

“I miss you, too, Maddie. I’d miss you always—” If she had done what she had intended to do, he’d have spent his entire life missing her and hating her whilst simultaneously loving her, never knowing what could have happened between them.

There’s a sniff on the other end and he wishes he could hold her, “Maddie?” There’s a noise on the other end of the phone and for a second, he doesn’t know what to say to her. ‘Please don’t break my heart’ or ‘please don’t make me live in a world without you in it’ or ‘please don’t leave me’? His exhales sharply, rubbing his face into the pillow in an attempt to rid himself of the tears, “I’m really looking forward to holding you tomorrow.” That’s what he finally settles on, in the hopes it’s enough for Maddie to know exactly what he means when he’s saying that, the hidden meaning behind the words. _Please don’t leave, please don’t hurt yourself._

“Me too.” Her voice sounds sleepy, and he can feel his own eyes drooping to a close, something that prompts Hen to climb into the bed behind him seemingly as her hand rubs circles on his back and he feels overwhelming relief that somehow, without saying anything, his best friend knew exactly what he needed from her right then. He doesn’t have to say another thing, he can hear the evening of her breathing on the other end of the phone and suddenly, Buck’s voice on the other end of the phone thanking him before he hangs up and there’s silence once more.

“She’s so lucky to have you, Chim.” Hen whispers, her chin resting on his shoulder; he wants to tell her how he’s lucky to have _her_ as a best friend but sleep finally wins after so long of fighting it.


	4. Chapter 4

It somehow feels as though no time has passed at all since she was last in his arms, sitting on his couch whilst they both giggled along to a funny movie that he was only half paying attention to. He’s reminded of the difference because he can’t stop himself from glancing at her every few minutes, just to make sure that the smile is genuine and the way her body is completely relaxed in his arms isn’t just a front she’s putting on to appease him. 

It’s when she snuggles a little more into his arms that he dares himself to tilt his head down to press his lips against her hair, closing his eyes as he just breathes her in. She’s alive and she’s _laughing_ and it sounds the same as it always did but still, he can’t push away the uncomfortable feeling that rises within him. It’s enough that his grip on her tightens for a second, biting down on his lip before he takes a breath, “Maddie?”

He wonders if she even heard him, his voice had barely been a whisper and she didn’t even flinch when he spoke. But then, she’s pulling away from him and turning herself in her seat so she can face him, a serious look on her face as they both forget the movie. “Why did you do it?”

If Maddie is at all surprised by the question she doesn’t show it, instead, she moves to take his hand in her own and glances down. “I um—I wish I had some sort of profound reason that would make this easier for you and for Buck… I really do. I just—” Her thumb brushes over the back of his hand and she’s not looking at him, instead, she’s focusing on his fingers as she idly plays with them with her other hand, biting down on her lip as she does. “I just felt lost and overwhelmed and confused, angry… I felt everything all at once just hit me and then I was drunk and then it felt like a really good idea. Which sounds ridiculous because now I know that I didn’t fight that hard to live to just give up on myself but right then, I couldn’t think of another way to make the pain stop.”

Finally, her eyes meet his when she glances up, her bottom lip quivering the second she sees the tears pouring down his face, “I’m sorry that it’s not a very good answer but there really wasn’t a singular reason… everything just got too much all at the same time. I think Buck was right—and trust me, I didn’t say that lightly—I think I went back to work too soon and I was just trying to rush, you know? I wanted to put him behind me, I wanted to pretend that I was fine and that the nightmares weren’t consuming me and—I just wanted to feel normal. It was finally my time when I could stop looking over my shoulder and… I wanted to enjoy the feeling as soon as I could.”

Chimney only lets go of her hand to gently brush at the tears that make their way down her cheeks before he leans forward and presses a kiss to the bridge of her nose. Her forehead moves to press to his, the hand that had been in his moving to his chest as she wraps her fingers around the fabric of his top and takes a breath. “I know you and Buck don’t believe me and you probably won’t for a long time but I am really glad that Buck came home when he did and I won’t do it again.”

All he can do is give a small nod of his head because she’s right, he doesn’t believe her or trust her, not just yet. But he’s sure he will, one day and he’s only half certain she wouldn’t lie to him about something like that. But he’s been in that dark place before, a long time ago when he was a teenager and he knows how easy it is for the lies to be rushed out in the hopes that no one will see through them. His eyes look into hers, before he presses both of his hands to either side of her face, unable to tear his eyes from hers in a way he’s sure is making her uncomfortable, as though he’s trying to look into her soul and see whether or not she’s lying.

If she is, she’s a good liar but again, that offers no comfort, she’s experienced in the art of hiding the truth after years of being abused by her husband. So, there’s little belief in her words or the way she’s looking at him right then considering what she had done to herself and how her brother had found her only a few days before. He knows it’s not something he’s going to solve in one day, probably not even one week… the level of trust he’d once had in her is gone but he knows it’ll come back over time.

Their noses brush and for a second, he think she’s going to close whatever gap is between them and press their lips together but she pulls back after a pause and moves easily to slide onto his lap, resting her head on his shoulder. “Why were you up so late last night?”

The question comes from nowhere but there’s a pondering to her voice as though she’s been mulling it over since and all he can do is shake his head. “I was just talking to Hen, got caught up.” It’s a lie but it’s not a truth she needs to hear, telling her that he was vomiting up what little food Hen had managed to get him to eat because he was so anxious and stressed and upset over everything that had happened over the last few weeks was only going to do more harm than it ever would good.

She nods and he’s not sure if she believes him but she also doesn’t question him, her grip tightening on his shirt instead when she snuggles just a little further into him. Both his arms move to wrap around her as tightly as he possibly can, pecking lips to her hairline and any part of her head he can reach as he relishes in the comfort of knowing she’s there and she’s breathing and she’s going to be okay. Even if he has to watch her twenty-four-seven. Even if he has to hold her a little too tightly when they’re sleeping… even if he has to give up the role of temporary Captain to make sure she’s okay.

“Thank you… for letting me stay here with you, you didn’t have to… I’m glad you did though. I know it was hard for Buck to let go but he knows I’m safe here with you.” Her lips press to his neck and he finds himself closing his eyes when his chin rests on top of her head, trying to stop the tears from falling.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather you be right now.” He whispers, knowing that he couldn’t bear the thought for even a second of her not being there with him where he could keep an eye on her and know that she’s safe at all times. Despite his own tears, he finds himself smiling when he can feel her soft breathing on his neck just a few seconds later, her entire body relaxing beneath his touch entirely. His eyes open, just so he can stare down at her, focusing on the way her chest moves as she breathes and the way her eyes flutter beneath closed lids. She’s safe and alive and with him and it’s all he can ask for right then.


End file.
